


Finding Common Ground

by brokenhighways



Series: Finding Happiness [3]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, ex-hookers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 07:44:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2261535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s four in the morning and Jared can’t sleep. This wouldn’t be unusual normally, but it’s been a month of sleepless nights, a month of tossing and turning, knowing fully well that there’s a reason why he can’t sleep. He tries not to think about it because it’s just another sign. Another red flag, another reason to do what he’s known he’s needed to do for a while now. The only reason why he hasn’t acted is because he needs Jensen to see it too, he needs him to understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Common Ground

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Sequel to Finding Hope, which was a sequel to Finding Salvation.

It’s four in the morning and Jared can’t sleep. This wouldn’t be unusual normally, but it’s been a month of sleepless nights, a month of tossing and turning, knowing fully well that there’s a reason why he can’t sleep. He tries not to think about it because it’s just another sign. Another red flag, another reason to do what he’s known he’s needed to do for a while now. The only reason why he hasn’t acted is because he needs Jensen to see it too, he needs him to understand. They’re smothering each other and it’s only going to end in tears. There’s a creak as the bedroom door opens and Jared stills himself on the couch. This was his suggestion back in that bar all of those nights ago. Boundaries. That was what they needed, and left alone to him, he’d have gone further than the couch. He would have gone back to Justin’s and stayed there, but what stopped him was the memory of how awful his time there had been. He didn’t want to end up crushing pills, just for four hours of shitty sleep. Yet here he is, with maybe ten minutes of shitty sleep, wondering if he should have left entirely in the first place.

“You’re up late.” Jensen’s voice sounds in the dark, taking Jared by surprise. He’s come out around this time every night, under the guise of getting a drink of water, except that he normally remains silent. He just stands there, watching quietly. He must know that Jared’s awake but he doesn’t say anything. Until now.

~

They meets at the coffee shop the next day, and Jared walks in to see Jensen laughing uncomfortably at something Danneel is saying. Jensen no longer works there, not after they realised that being in a noisy environment probably wasn’t his thing. Jared sometimes wishes that he’d persuaded Jensen to stay because his new job was probably even worse but it is what it is. As he watches Jensen with Danneel, he realises that he has more pressing concerns.

“I didn’t realise that you and Danneel still kept in touch,” he says curiously. Jensen rolls his eyes.

“We don’t,” he says tersely. “And no, I don’t need to make new friends or to get out more. Stop psychoanalysing me.” Jared sighs but he doesn’t bother arguing. They can deal with the whole friend situation later. Right now, they need to figure out the whole sleeping situation and what he has in mind probably won’t go down very well.

“So, you remember Justin, right? The guy that I work with?” Jensen nods, though he only knows Justin by name and seems to harbour some kind of unfounded resentment for the guy - Jared’s given up trying to understand why. “Well he told me that there’s an apartment available in his complex. It’s bigger than our place, and it has an extra bedroom...and his uncle owns the building or something, so he might be able to get us a discount on rent.”

“We can’t afford a new place,” Jensen says. “But...if he can work something out for us, and it’s decent then yeah, I don’t see why we can’t go for it. Though, I don’t know why you’d want to move us into a new place when we’re barely even together anymore. You’re out all of the time, you sleep on the couch. We have to _arrange_ to see each other.” Jared’s gotten better at pushing down the guilt but it’s still there, lurking under the surface. He hates that he’s hurting Jensen, but he refuses to lose sight of who he is. They both have to forge their own personalities; they need to become _individuals_ again, become interdependent instead of being codependent. Right now Jensen’s stubbornly resisting and Jared’s doing his best to hang on, and what’s keeping him that way is the past. He knows that it’s wrong. Yet, he does love Jensen and he’ll do whatever he can to make this work, to make _them_ work.

“I’m not going to abandon you,” he says reassuringly, noticing the way that Danneel is looking over at them. “But I need to have a life of my own, I need to socialise and have friends and I want that for you too. I don’t know how many times I have to say it to you.” Jared regrets his irritation but sometimes he really hates Jensen’s mother for abandoning him, for leaving him on his own in this world. Yes, his parents did the same to him, but at least he had some semblance of a happy life before it was cruelly ripped away. Jensen didn’t and that hurts Jared in many, many ways because it’s ruined the way Jensen sees people. Jared’s no stranger to the same feeling, but he’s less jaded, more hopeful. He isn’t going to sit around and feel sorry for himself when he can be happy, albeit without the people he cares about the most.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says. He doesn’t say it often, so Jared is surprised. “Look, I know that you’re right, it’s just that I don’t remember what it’s like to be without you and that terrifies me. I know that it isn’t normal, and that it’s affecting our...relationship, but this is who I am. I need you. Sometimes I think you’re being a selfish asshole, but I...know that you’re right.”

“So, what do we do?” Jared asks, too shocked to formulate a proper response. Maybe separating had been a good idea after all.

"Maybe it's time that we start from the beginning."

~

"You know, I just don't care." They're back at the apartment because the noise in the coffee shop got too much. Young college kids excited about life, making Jared feel like the jaded person that he is. That should be him; it would have been him if he hadn't been thrown onto a roller coaster. All things considered, the level of resentment that he feels shouldn't be a surprise but it is. He thought he was over it. Over being abandoned and everything that happened but there are always going to be reminders everywhere he looks.

"Jared." He looks up and Jensen is staring at him expectantly. "Did you hear what I said?"

"That you don't care?" He almost forgets that they're in the middle of a serious conversation about where they stand. Maybe he's not as together as he thought he was.

"Right..." Jensen replies. He gives Jared a questioning look but he carries on with what he's saying. "I'm referring to that little deal we made the day we moved in here. You know, the one where you said that it would be better if we left the past in the past and focused on the future." Jensen's voice sounds strained, as if he's holding back anger and that in turn angers Jared. This isn't _his_ fault, he didn't say all of that stuff just to give Jensen a reason to throw it back in his face a year later.

"You _agreed_ with me when I said it,” he argues, getting more and more heated as he speaks. “So don’t you fucking tell me that this mess is _my_ fault.”

Jensen scoffs. “Oh, yet you’ve been happy telling me that it’s mine for the past month. I’m too clingy, I don’t have my own friends - because you’re suddenly a people person, I don’t have any hobbies, I just exist to make you feel better about your life.” The worst thing is that, some of that is partly true. It’s not deliberate but he has been thinking it and ignoring his own part in this mess. True or not, Jensen making him see the light only serves to piss him off even further.

“Oh, this is rich!” he says. “Coming from the guy that taught me how to turn tricks in the first place. Is it any wonder that I wanted to forget about it.” Jared knows that he’s gone too far when the color drains from Jensen’s face and he stops mid-pace, freezing as the words truly sink in. It’s a low blow and Jared knows it, and hell, he doesn’t even blame Jensen for any of that. _He_ was the one who asked Jensen to teach him, the one who refused to leech off Jensen and take his handouts.

“Okay. Time out,” he adds hastily, praying that he hasn’t fucked things up even more. “I didn’t mean that.”

“You can’t just call time out and pretend that shit didn’t happen,” Jensen replies wearily. He doesn’t sound upset, just tired but Jared knows the difference. He can hear the hurt in Jensen’s voice, can see it in his eyes. “We’ve been doing that for the past year. I’ve been doing it for almost all of my life.” Jared wants nothing more than to stand up and go and comfort him but after the past month of fleeting touches and minimal contact, he doesn’t know if he can, and it’s all his fault for thinking that the separation would work. They’re making progress, he doesn’t usually yell and Jensen doesn’t usually talk about his feelings, but making a choice to deny them both of something probably isn’t a step in the right direction. Jared wishes he could rewind the clock and do it differently, but he can’t. He took advantage of the fact that Jensen was willing to do anything to get him to stay and he has to live with that, he has to figure out how to make up for it. Even if it means walking away.

~

Jared’s trying to enjoy his day off in front of some old reruns on the TV when Jensen enters the apartment and dumps an envelope on the coffee table. They haven’t really said much since their argument. Jensen’s been repeating that they need to start from the beginning and Jared doesn’t know what that means. All he cares about is their beginning and _their_ now. Life before Jensen isn’t worth going into and he doesn’t know where this sudden interest is coming from, and he doesn’t like it.

“What’s this?” he asks as Jensen goes to grab a glass of water. He picks it up before an answer comes, and frowns when he spots the insignia of a prison at the top right-hand corner. He skims it quickly and sees that it’s a visiting order for--

“My mom is in prison,” Jensen says as he walks back into the living room.

“You said that she abandoned you at an early age?” Jared says, noticing that it comes out as a question. Technically Jensen didn’t tell a lie even though it still feels like one.

“And that’s where she went. Jail. She’s fifteen years into a twenty-five year sentence.” Jensen’s face doesn’t betray his emotions and Jared imagines that he’s become desensitised to it all. He’s never really asked for the whole story, not because he doesn’t want to know but because back then it didn’t matter. What mattered was survival and somewhere along the line, they got that and forgot about all of the other stuff.

“You stopped asking me about my past, even back when we were on the streets,” Jensen continues. “Why was that?”

“I didn’t want to pressure you into talking about it,” Jared says.

Jensen rolls his shoulders back, almost as if he’s trying to shrug off the tension. “Sometimes I wish you would.” The way he says it is what catches Jared’s attention the most. So simply, without any other added meaning. It makes Jared feel like a shitty boyfriend, makes him feel low. He wonders why they bring out such a myriad of feelings within each other and concludes that it’s because they love each other. He just can’t quite decide if it’s good love, or bad love, or if he’s making no sense at all.

“You know your little one-month experience might not have worked out but it’s funny how much you can see when you have a little space. For instance, you’re a bottler. You keep stuff locked inside, deep down where no one can see it and you try to play it off. I’m the opposite. If I’m pissed, I’m pissed, I can’t keep shit down like that, it’s just...not my thing. But I feel like I should be more like you, learn to control myself and you should be more like me. Stop letting things simmer, just...let them out.”

“What are you saying?” Jared asks, when it seems as though Jensen’s ready to keep rambling on.

“I’m saying that we need to find common ground,” Jensen replies. “We need to talk about our pasts and we need to get over it. We’ve been hurt, and we’ve been let down but we can’t let it ruin us. I have to stop feeling like I need to _save_ you all of the time and you need to stop feeling like you owe me something.”

Jared has to admit that everything that Jensen’s saying makes sense. If they want to fix their relationship, they need to fix _themselves_. His only fear is that if he’s forced to drag up all of those feelings, all of the hurt - he might be too broken to fix.

~

Jensen spends the next couple of days telling Jared about his life when they’re not at work. It’s not pretty and it’s not easy but he has no choice but to listen. According to Jensen, his mom fell pregnant when she was sixteen and her strict, Catholic parents threw her out (and all of a sudden he knows why he never got _that_ particular story before). Initially she’d stayed with an aunt but that didn’t work out. Somehow she made it up until Jensen was twelve years old before landing up in prison for armed robbery.

“It wasn’t that serious, that’s what she told me when I went to see her,” Jensen recalls with a snort. “She spent most of her time telling me one thing, and doing another. You reminded me of her, back when we first met."

“How so?” Jared asks.

“Well, you were both in a similar situation, and you’re both the glass half full type, always trying to make others happy at the expense of your own happiness. I still see a lot of her in you, even though it makes no sense. It’s stupid right?” Jared doesn’t think that it is but he says nothing. All of this is hitting a little too close to home. It’s too raw and too... _real_.

“So you go to see her once every two months in prison,” Jared repeats something Jensen said earlier. “Ever since we got here.” It hurts that he’s just finding this out, though he’d probably do the same. Still, it feels like there’s a whole part of Jensen that he’s just learning about and...it’s exactly what Jensen was saying. He did say that they shouldn’t talk about it, but he’d never really considered the fact that Jensen would have to hide such a huge part of himself. If anything, everything that he’s been through pales in comparison. He wasn’t abandoned by a system that was supposed to care for him, wasn’t forced to run away from an awful foster home. He had a normal life up until...well. Up until. The fact that he can barely think about it isn’t anything to worry about. It’s his way of dealing and...one day the dam will break down, but for today, he’s going to listen to Jensen.

“You’re wondering if she knows about...everything, right?” Jensen laughs bitterly. “She thinks I work part time as I put myself through college.”

Jared can’t help the ineloquent ‘What?!” that tumbles out of his mouth. It’s not like Jensen to lie, or to be ashamed of who he is. But this is different, it’s someone he cares about deeply, someone he loves, fuck, it's his _mom_. It's his mom.

"Does she believe you?" he asks. Jensen shrugs and he knows instantly that the answer is _no_.

"I don't know, and I don't care. She's lucky that I'm visiting her at all." It’s a lie and truth at the same time, but Jared doesn’t know how to respond. Luckily for him, the conversation ends there and he gets the feeling they won't be talking about this for a while, which can only mean one thing.

It's his turn.

~

He's drunk. Or at least he thinks he is. Everything is kind of hazy and for some reason he can't stop laughing at the coasters. Coasters are weird, really. He's in the middle of another fit of laughter when he spots a familiar looking blurred figure that he'd recognize anywhere. It's Jensen. In a bar. With people in it. This is weird. Plus, Jensen's pissed at him. They got into another fight about Jared not talking, not fulfilling his side of the bargain. Jensen's angry and Jared's trying to numb the pain. Attempting to rid himself of the self-pity that plagues him every day.

"Come on, let's get you home," Jensen is saying as he hoists Jared up and guides him out of the bar. They don't live too far away, but Jensen's got a cab waiting. The driver eyes them nervously when Jensen shuts the door and Jared means to speak up and tell the guy not to worry but what comes out is a huge sob. Emotion wells up inside of him and the dam starts to creak under the pressure. Jensen's arm tightens around him and Jared rests his head on his shoulder and wills himself not to cry. At least not here. He stays still, ignoring the way his heart is racing and a million thoughts are swimming around in his head. He focuses on Jensen, the warmth of his arm, his familiar smell and he does his best not to crumble. He lasts up until they're halfway up the third flight of stairs leading to their apartment. He breaks right there and then and they tumble down together and land on the cold concrete. His chest heaves as they sit there, Jensen stroking his hair and muttering soothing words as he cries uncontrollably, despite his best attempts to stop. He's not sure how long they sit there, or how long it is before he's able to speak but he knows that Jensen's going to wait until he's ready, knows that he's not alone. Not really. It just feels that way.

"I thought that they loved me," he says despondently, as he wipes his eyes with the cuff off his jacket. "I got on a bus, I left home for the first time and they didn't even call. Not a word. Not a text, a voice message. Nothing. How could they just switch off their feelings like that?" Looking back at everything, Jared always wonders if there were any signs that he'd missed but he could never recall any. They were always saying that he could come and talk to them about anything.

"I didn't want to lie about who I was anymore," he explains. "I just wanted them to be the first to know and they just flipped. Some of the stuff they said was just...awful. I got pissed and yelled back at them. Sometimes I wonder if I'd still have a relationship with them if I'd kept quiet, though, I'm 99% sure the outcome would be the same." Even though the memories hurt, like a visceral wound that just won't close, it feels good to get this off his chest. It feels good to just tell somebody everything, every detail, no matter how big or small. He shifts out of Jensen's arms so he can look at him. Jensen looks devastated and only God knows what he's thinking.

"You were just a kid," Jensen whispers, his voice thick with guilt and sadness. "You were a kid and they let you down and _I_ let you down, no matter what you say. I shouldn't have taught you any of that shit. I...you should not have followed my path. You...I..." He trails off, unable to get anymore words out and Jared's also at a loss. This is their problem. Jensen feels as if he condemned life onto the streets, and he feels as though Jensen saved him. The real truth is probably somewhere in the middle and they need to come to terms with that. Jared needs to understand that, while Jensen helped him, he was the one who fought for himself. He made his money, he supported himself. Jensen needs to understand that he wasn't the one who put Jared on the streets. However, Jared knows that he probably never will so he decides to change tack.

"And I forgive you," he says gently. "I never once blamed you for any of it but I forgive you. You don't have to keep blaming yourself anymore." He leans in and kisses Jensen, deep and hard, to show that he means what he's saying. Jensen responds just as eagerly and soon they're fumbling around for keys and fighting to get into their apartment before clothes start flying off.

~

Jensen finally agrees that they both need space of their own and they move into the new building two weeks after the stairwell conversation. Things aren't perfect between them but there's definitely been a change. Jared isn't sure if its a good change or a bad one. Maybe both. He's surprised that Jensen agrees to the new place, especially seeing as how they haven't really been physical for a while since that night when he broke down. It's not that Jared doesn't want Jensen, it's just that sex isn't everything to him, not when the majority of his first experiences were with strangers. So, he kind of wants them to be on good terms before they venture down that road again. However he gets that Jensen has different needs, and that maybe they might have to go their own ways for a while.

"I've never had my own room before," Jensen says once they've brought the last of their bags up. They don't have a lot on the account of their old apartment being a box. "I mean, not really. I had my apartment back when we were...but it was more of a glorified hovel. This place is...nice." He's been like this all day. Overly cheerful and pleasant. It can only mean one thing - he has something to say that Jared won't like.

"It’s alright,” Jared replies slowly. Jensen nods and moves to grab something from one of his bags. The place is already furnished in all white, except for some of the furniture. Jared’s probably going to have to redecorate his room but he knows that Jensen’s will look exactly the same the day they move out. Back when they were... _hookers_ , the only personal touch he’d ever seen in Jensen’s apartment was that picture of the city. Jensen’s never really been interesting in things like that. He doesn’t need color, or random items that he’s picked up somewhere, or material things because he’s never really had them. It makes Jared feel _sad_ for him, and he knows that if he ever voiced that aloud, Jensen wouldn’t appreciate it so he just watches in silence and wishes that everything was different.

“I’ve been thinking about something,” Jensen says finally, giving up on whatever he’s rooting around for in his bag. “I went to see my mom the other day and it occurred to me that you should probably...give your parents a call.” Yep. Jared _definitely_ doesn’t like the sound of that.

“And what possible reason would I have to call them now, after everything?” he asks. Jensen shifts uncomfortably, but he doesn’t turn to face Jared. It’s kind of weird, having a conversation with his back but Jared remains silent.

“Because,” Jensen says, with an audible swallow. “You miss them. As much as you try to act like it, this isn’t your life. Moving around all the time, working a crappy dead end job when you could be something else. If there’s a chance that they still love you and that they’re sorry for what they did, you should at least try and find out.”

“Why do I have to be the one to call them?” Jared decides to entertain this notion, if only so he can find out what Jensen’s ulterior motive is. “They can pick up the phone and call me.”

“You don’t have the same number anymore.” It’s an excuse, a poor one, but it gets Jared thinking anyway. Even after everything, Jensen’s right. He misses his parents, his family and if he had a chance to make things right, he’d take it but...he isn’t the one that fucked up. He doesn’t owe them anything. However, he owes it to himself to try and get some closure. Calling them will not mean that he has to change or move back, it’s just….a phone call.

“What was it like when you first got back in touch with your mom?” he asks Jensen, who’s finally turned around. He flinches at the question but his face remains indifferent.

“It was...it’s a completely different situation, and I’m not going to get into it,” Jensen says sternly. Jared is taken aback by the harshness of his tone. He must have touched some kind of nerve, and the worst thing is that he doesn’t even feel all that bad about it. Jensen can’t just bring up his parents and expect him to be okay with it. “And you can call your parents, or not call them, it has nothing to do with me. Or our friendship.” The proverbial red flag starts to fly in Jared’s mind and he braces himself for what’s coming next.

“All my life, I’ve been coming and going and just wandering from place to place looking for somewhere to call home. I used to dream about moving to the city, somewhere no one knows my past and...I’m here. I’m living my dream but, I still don’t know what’s what, I still don’t know my place but I do know you. And I know how close you came to walking away. I get that I begged you to stay but I feel like you’ve been punishing me for it ever since.”

“What?” Jared says. “No, that’s not what I intended to, I thought the space would help you. I mean _us_.” Jared breathes out because damn, he’s said the wrong thing _again_ and, he’s not ready for what’s coming. He’s not ready to face reality.

Jensen shakes his head. “No, you mean _me_. And it’s okay. Thanks for trying to help me. I get it. But I can’t live like this anymore. You’re in denial and...you’re never going to walk away even if it kills you to, so I’ll do it. I’ll walk. I’ll say the magic words.”

“Jensen, come on, we can still work this out,” Jared pleads. It’s unconvincing even to him, but he’s trying, right? That’s what matters surely?

“No. We can’t. So, I’m sorry but this is over. We’re done.” Jensen looks at him, really looks at him, his green eyes shining with an emotion that’s probably reflected in Jared’s heart. There’s a split moment where he knows that he could say something to make him stay, to make him change his mind but the words won’t come out.

They just won’t come.


End file.
